The pressure, at times, has been too much. I had to put the question on the shelf, that is to say, I had to stop thinking about it for some time. I still wasn't prepared to make the decision and there was something of a disconnect I felt in my spirit that I couldn't put my finger on. A missing piece of logic or reasoning.
When Tim and I were first dating, he used to tell me how he would solve complicated math problems. He would read the problem to the point of understanding what the question was, and in what form the answer was to be given...then he stopped thinking about it. He would leave it and go about his day living life. When I asked him what the purpose of that was, he answered that he would let the back of his brain work on it while the front of his brain went about his other responsibilities. For the really complicated problems, he would get a Slurpee:) This comparison is fitting in our situation. I trusted that all I needed was a little time to let my brain connect the dots when I wasn't working so hard to force them. And since this is a particularly challenging solution, I need the coffee.
Once I had a little distance, I was able to see more clearly that it is, and has been, the wrong question to ask...at this point in time. Let me explain:
In the timeline of how these things work, there are many complicated and uneven hurdles over which must be jumped, none of which we have any control over. It finally occurred to me, at some point in time whilst I decided to stop deliberating on the decision on whether or not we will adopt Evie, that we are not yet to the point of having to make a decision. This was the missing piece I was waiting for my brain to figure out! It's too early. Too much can change. Parents can change their minds, the courts can be unpredictable, social services can deem us unfit, all before we come to the place where we have to give an answer to "the question." To have our hearts set on any decision at this point in the timeline is premature and a waste of emotional energy. It puts us in a position to put hope in a conclusion that may never materialize...wasted emotional output. In the emotional department, I'm a conservationist...an emotional conservationist. Yes, that's it. I don't want to expend emotional energy where it is unnecessary or wasteful. There is more to that, but I will spare you the decades of introspection, therapy, and analysis.
On Tuesday, May 10, there was a court hearing where it was determined that both of Evie's parents were to sign their TPR, their Termination of Parental Rights- a term that seems somewhat innocuous since those that throw around the term use it so much it has become an everyday term; but when I pause to imagine that parents have come to a place where they are willing to give up their children or not in a place where they can care for their children, I mourn, but I also understand. Lots more to say there, but we'll keep it brief.
Back to it, that day, May 10th, came and went. I'm not sure how much detail I'm permitted to share, but what I can say is what was expected to happen didn't happen in its completion, and a new court date has been set for later in the summer. See? Lots of things we might be tempted to count on are sinking sand. Nothing is for sure until it is.
So we wait. But we do not wait looking at the second hand of the clock stretch from second to second. No! We wait with purpose and vitality. Since the end of the story is not clear, we see our time with this little baby as filled with great impetus. How much value can we put into her life in this season?
We have just celebrated Evie's first birthday! She is wicked smart, joyful, and curious. She is fiercely determined and persistent, meeting all of her milestones despite her rocky beginning. When she hears music play, she dances, claps, taps her little tambourine, stomps her right foot and even twirls! Oh, and she sings! She's all in! We praise the Lord for answering our prayers for her physical, emotional, and intellectual development. I hope your heart is also filled with a little more joy knowing that this little girl is thriving in a place where she is loved and cared for.
That's all for now. Send along any questions if you have any. Thanks for reading.
-Amanda
